ps. I'm still searching for you...

The picture on my blog reminds me of death.

Now thats an odd thing to say...

But, i'm not like, totally morbid or anything. Its just that the girl in the eye looks dead, like she's been shot or stabbed, and blood is on her shirt (reminds me of Ju's post for her latest Deviant Art, sort of). she looks dead to me.

its a design on her shirt...

Yes, i know that. Well, thats what it looks like when it doesn't look like blood from a wound.
Am I morbid? Its just that... the eye, and the girl... it just sorta seems like death... Like, an art representation or something, or like in a movie or something... its very... stuff or whatever.

gee cait, that was very eloquent of you...

I don't have to use big words here... its my blog... if i want to be deep, i can be. but i'm not really a 'deep thinker' so to speak. I'm more of a 'gee, that's cool and stuff' kind of gal.
Not like its a bad thing or anything. Some of my other friends are deep thinkers. Actually, they probably all could be deep thinkers. I'm just sort of like 'yah, i get it, that's cool'.
its fun.

how so?...

Uh... i dunno. its just like... I get to hear things from different points of view. Does that even make sense? whatever, i dont care. i know what i mean.
I was thinking something just a momemt ago, and i lost it.
But now i'm thinking something else. I was trying to be a good driver today. it didn't really work. I mean, I tried to go 50, i just kept thinking, 'wow, this is really slow' so i'd get bored and go 60. I figure i'll just stay an N for a little while more.

Oh, and he means nothing to me now. Nope, not a thing. I don't care. Go! Go serenade her! See if I care! After all the love and devotion i gave to you, but I mean, if i mean nothing to you, fine, whatever. See if i give a flying F%#!. (I won't use gratuitious language, cuz he's so not worth it.) I'll go find me a real man if you can't handle me.
Not like you're even gonna read this, or if anyone knows what i'm talking about (they might) but whatever. Its my blog. I can do whatever.
Anyway, its not like i don't have other men in my life! MEN!!!

But i digress, not like i was making a point or anything...

um... yah... i think i'm done.

yah. i'm done. g'night.

What's new in my life?

Kai for one.

No, he's not real, but he's in my head nonetheless. A new character who is very loud in my head. And yummy. Jason Olive. Now, he's on a soap opera, yes, but that's not important. I'm not a soap opera watcher.

But still, Kai is now here and such, though not technically alive, he's alive to me. Not that I mind overly. He's a bit irritating when I'm in class and he thinks its boring... Hell, even I think its boring, but he has the nerve to leave me there! And without my palm pilot (stupid batteries died on me and I have yet to pick up some new ones....) so I've got Travis there, lecturing me to pay attention, Trin being kinda crazy going on about water, Yven being mean and such, Che'Shell feeling uncomfortable about even being there, and me, trying to sort of pay attention and talk to them at once!

My head is a very busy place, yet its not that productive... hmm...

OMG!! So, I watched my new fave tv show today, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and guess what? One of my new fave songs was on it! It was So Damn Hot by OKGO. Not all the words were there, but i knew it anyway! I was so happy.

God, i love all of them. Jai is so nice and cute and cool, and Kyan is so nice and hot and cool, and Carson is so mean and cool, and Thom is kinda mean kinda nice and cool, and Ted is so nice and cool.... I want them to be my friends. Its amazing what they can do for a place! Seriously! This place was BARE! it seemed empty, and they had been living there for about 2 years. And it was bare! It is so amazing what Thom can do for a place. seriously. He's like the God of Furnishing. and Kyan is so great, like, he was so right about that guy going bald. He looked so much better! Actually, the guy kinda reminded me of Stanley Tucci. It was cool. Carson is soooooooooooo funny! He's soooooo bad, throwing people's clothes out windows and stuff. He's amazing. Jai is soooo nice. A total morale booster. Ted is the food guy. He's soo cool, he's got such great ideas and stuff. The Fab 5 are so amazing, its not even funny. Its beyond amazing. I don't have the words.

Ok, i think i'm done for now...

I'm going to try...

I want to do this...

i think

SEX

Seriously, this was the only pic i deemed good enough of him.


TYR ANASAZI!


Which Andromeda Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

OMG! They DID IT!!!

and then... and then....

i could've cried when that happened... but it'll be ok. it has to be. I mean, c'mon, its him.

But still, i was so happy i was like, 'aww, its so happy'. i was HAPPY Goddammitt. Happy!!

but no, i guess i can never get what i want. but i was soooo, like, it was sooooooo... and stuff. and yah.

it could've been perfect. would have been perfect. Had to have been perfect. but they ruined it. They RUINED it.

why????

it makes me sad, cuz i was right, and for a brief shining moment, my world (or at least that part of it) made sense, and i was right, and it was perfect.

but now its not. and that makes me sad.

and his hair... oh god.... why???? his hair.... he had such nice hair. it was perfect. like him.

oh well. like i said, nothings perfect. ok, so i haven't actually said it, but i am now.

nothings perfect.

he sort of was. and they could've been.

but no.

once again, my world (or at least that part of it) is ripped by the seams.

I miss you

is that pathetic? i mean, you've been gone what, a week? and yet... i miss you.

God, this could sound romantic if i wasn't talking about you. But you miss me too, so i guess its ok. i guess its not as pathetic as it seems.

withdrawl. what a word. is it possible to go through withdrawl with or for a person? hmmmmmm

anyway... I just wanted to say that i miss you. I told you before. I was so excited, i might have cried. not really, but i could've felt like it.

I was talking and you know what? i can compare a romantic relationship with ours. is that weird? or is that the way its supposed to be? i dunno. maybe you'll have the answers. when you get back.

when you get back.... i won't miss you as much.

Hatred

That's the word i think of when i think of you, knowing that you can steal my heart and break it with one look. Knowing that i can't have you, that i'm left with wanting you, needing you.

I hate you so much because i love you so much. No one has ever been able to do to me what you do to me. Yet you do nothing at all.

Hatred.

Completely opposite of what i feel for you, yet its there. I think of you, and i get a contradiction of feelings.

I'm not like all the other girls that fawn over you, thinking that there's something special about me that i'll be the one you let in, that you'll bare you soul to me, tell me your secrets and dreams, you wishes, your fears, your everything. I'm not foolish in that sense.

There is nothing special about me. I know that i'll never be the one you hold at night to comfort, or the one to see you cry. It'll never be me.

And i hate you for it. Because I want it to be me.

I'm left with the craving, the needing. Every fibre of my being cries out to you, and you have the power to completely ignore me.

I wish you could teach me how to do it, how to ignore such feelings. Because then i would try my hardest to make these feelings stop.

I want more than anything to stop this desire for you, because I know you'll never choose me.

Why would you? I wouldn't choose me either.

Save Ferris ~ Let Me In

Save Ferris Let Me In lyrics
I've been watching you and all you do
For quite some time
Knowing all the ins and outs of you
I should've known what was on your mind
But all the world is spinning round and round
Inside my head tonight
I will fall into the darkness
And I fear I will never see the light
(Repeat)

So let me in
All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
So let me in
Oh please tonight
Don't let this end
Tonight
I'll Fall

Through no light the darkness seems to be
So very strong
How does one alone against the world
Find the strength to carry on?
What happened to the way we used to love
It seemed as though life had just begun
But now that love has come and gone to fade away
Like the setting sun
Cuz' you won't let me in.

All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
So let me in
Oh please tonight
Don't let this end
Tonight
Cuz' I'm starting to fall
So let me in

It was all that I wanted from you
It was something you never knew
To let me in
But not tonight
For this is the end
Tonight
I fall